18 October, 2011

flashback

I was reading quotes on my old myspace and I realized, as a teenager… I was incredibly naive and love sick. I fell for any cute boy and claimed that it was “love.” I remember how when boys wouldn’t feel the same way, I would cry, be depressed at school, and cut my wrist. Actually, other girls in my school would carve the boy’s name. I was a pussy, I did little lines from a led pencil. Never too dark, but just enough that it would make me look “emo.” 

I was so stupid then; it’s so funny to look back on the diary entries that I had. I was in love with a different boy every month! Back then, love was just a word you threw around. My friends would date someone for a week or two and express the word love like they’ve been together for years. I was the same way although I never really dated that early. 

My first boyfriend was in 8th grade. It lasted about a month. I told him that I loved him and we exchanged pecks only, never making out. That was gross to me then. I dumped him because honestly, I felt weird. It was awkward for me to be around him or express romantic feelings. I knew it wasn’t real. I just dated the guy cause he liked me and everyone had a boyfriend.

I didn’t date anyone for a long time. I liked guys, but always the older ones that had girl friends. I got in trouble a lot my freshman year because I would talk to those senior boys with senior girl friends that were bitches. I would be too if some younger virgin was hitting on my man. Again, I was naive then. 

When I moved to another state, it was time for me to start new. I didn’t want a boy friend. I just wanted attention. I got it from everyone I wanted. It was too easy. Having confidence and believing that you’re the shit works. Yeah, I might not be as pretty as I think or as smooth as I think but when I acted like it, I became it. I had guys wrapped around my finger. I had multiple guys that I just kissed here and there. Once week, I made out with 4 different guys. It was just too easy, just too fun. They weren’t ugly either. I had standards. I finally settled down and dated one of the guys I was fooling around with. He dumped me a month later because he had heard rumors that I was sleazy. Slap in the face huh?

After that, I just kept o myself. I stopped fooling with boys hearts. I moved back to California. That’s where I met my ex-boyfriend. He was so kind, so nice, and so innocent at first. He hated the fact that I wasn’t a virgin. He verbally abused me with harsh words that lowered my self-esteem. It made me feel so low. I stuck in the relationship for over 2 years. I had no one. I felt like no one wanted me, that I was trash. I only had sex once with one guy before him. Yeah, I flirted and made out with a lot of guys but doesn’t make me a whore.

After over 2 years of being tormented, I ended it for good. It was easy to move on. I reminded myself daily about how I am beautiful and strong. I am the fucking prize;people need to work hard to get me. I ain’t easy. 

So the quote on my myspace was, “you’ll always have a thing for that one person.” Not true, once it’s over, it’s over. Feelings linger but having a “thing” means more. To me at least. I look back on that relationship and all I see really was a good friend. I loved him, but it was different. It was more of a best friend love. I didn’t see myself with him forever. I just saw this insecure guy that needed my love and attention. Through me, he grew up. He became a man. I can honestly say, it wasn’t a romantic love. It was a convenient love. He was there when I had nothing to do, I was there when he needed a girl (space) friend. The sexual part just came in because we needed to release tension. No love to it.

Almost a year later of being single, I met the one. If you read my previous posts, you’ll know the story of how I fell in love. I know for a fact that this is love. Selfless, romantic, and unedifying love. I can’t even put into words how it feels.

To conclude, love is learned to experiences. You have to experience bad love, fake love, lust to realize what’s real. The feeling is just different. It’s euphoric.